“Why don’t you become a maid when you grow up?” my dad said when I was a teen.
To this day I’m not sure if he was serious or joking, but one thing is sure: his words made a lasting impression on me.
Words spoken by parishioners can also leave impressions, both positive and negative. They can arouse emotions such as shame, happiness, or anger. The term “living in a fishbowl” is a reality for pastoral families. Church members may offer their opinions on how our children should be raised, how we should dress, sit, speak, or even treat our spouse.
Sadly, many pastors’ spouses become bitter and exhibit a cold or suppressed countenance in public. Not being sure of who should be pleased can be a terrifying experience as pastoral families move from one church to another. Sadly, if there is no mentorship or support from the spouse, it can become a lonely world filled with uncertainty and fear.
Jesus recognized the power of words when He spoke to Mary, who was caught in adultery. In John 8:1-11 we see the piercing accusations and hypocrisy of the Pharisees. They sought to trap Jesus by using Mary as a pawn to carry out their devious plans. Even though she was not the subject of their scheme, unfortunately her life made her easy bait for them. Having been with several men, she must have been told many things that were less than pleasant. But the kind, powerful, and gentle words of the Savior mattered the most to her.
CONNECTION
Mary's life may seem opposite to that of a pastor's spouse. Clearly, she was not emulated as a woman of dignity and class. But take a closer look at her, and you might see similarities. She also felt like she was in a fishbowl, judged by all who saw her, and she was confused by her role.
Perhaps you are feeling lost in ministry, not sure of your purpose. Maybe you've been hurt by the words and criticisms of parishioners and even your spouse. Maybe you're struggling to meet the expectations of the brethren and need to find peace and comfort from Jesus like Mary did. There is hope—you can have a successful ministry despite the harsh words spoken by others. Here are seven tips for breaking free of hurtful words in your ministry:
1. Focus on self-care. The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:3 that God loves us with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 1:5 says that you are set apart and appointed. Take care of your mental health by surrounding yourself with healthy relationships. Avoid people who gossip about others and complain a lot. Schedule at least one day each month to do something for yourself with friends, with your family, or even alone.
2. Find a prayer partner. Commit to praying with a partner you trust and can confide in when you feel overwhelmed. Find that safe friend who will pray with and for you.
3. Pray for your enemies. Ask God to give you a heart of compassion. Many parishioners have personal problems. Ask Jesus to tell you what to pray for them, and don’t be afraid to let them know you’re praying for them. James 5:16 says that prayer makes a difference.
4. Find your sense of purpose in ministry. Many pastors’ spouses get lost in the shadows and expectations of previous pastors’ spouses. Use your gifts and talents to glorify God in your own way (see Ephesians 4:11, 12).
5. Correct bad behaviors in love. It’s OK as the pastor’s spouse to speak up and correct behaviors that are hurtful to you and others. Follow the principles of the Bible found in 2 Timothy 2:23-26. In meekness and in love, be gentle to all as you offer instruction.
6. Avoid venting to your spouse. The saying goes, “Hurting people hurt people.” It’s easy to vent to your spouse and feel angry about ministry. Remember that the devil is the culprit behind all of this. According to Ephesian 6:11-18, we should put on the whole armor of God so we can withstand the wiles of the devil.
7. Socialize with your parishioners. Research shows that interacting with others trains our brains to improve cognitively. The more you socialize, the better you understand the people you serve. If you’re an introvert, remember that a little time socializing is better than no time at all. Roman 12:18 reminds us to try to live peaceably with everyone.
Yes, words do matter, so consider the words you say to the people you serve in ministry. Sometimes we unknowingly hurt people by our behaviors and speech. Let us continue to turn to God so He can direct our walk and our talk.
