IT’S THREE DECADES AGO, and I’m sitting in the park with my young children, praying for a friend. As an introvert, I don’t often feel lonely. But with my family far away and no other young families in our tiny church, my heart longs for the friendship of another young mom.
Soon a mother arrives at the park, and our children play in the playground together. She’s also called Karen, and she’s the organist at the village church. We start having playdates with our children, and now, 30 years later, we’re still in touch. God sent the friend I wanted just when I needed her.
THE CHALLENGE OF LONELINESS
Loneliness happens when there’s a deficit between what we want in our friendships and how we experience our relationships. This will be unique for each person because we all have different expectations, and we all experience our relationships in different ways. For some pastoral spouses, loneliness can be one of the biggest challenges of ministry life. Frequent moves, distant families, busy church districts, differing cultures, and confusing messages about being friends with church members can all make it difficult to build and maintain the supportive relationships that are crucial for our well-being.
Humans are wired for connection. Even in Eden, a perfect world where Adam spoke face to face with his Father, God declared that it wasn’t good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Recent research has highlighted the dangers of human loneliness. When we’re lonely, our immunity can be lowered, heightening our risk of infection and disease. Chronic loneliness can be as bad for humans as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness affects our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Jesus told us that the two most important laws are loving God and loving others because He knew they are vital for our well-being (Matthew 22:36-40).
An experience that is very lonely for one person may not feel like loneliness for someone else. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to think about how you define loneliness. Is it the number of friends you have, or the amount of time you spend doing something with friends? Then think about the kind of relationships that would help you feel less lonely. What do you most need from others to help you experience closeness and reduce your risk of loneliness?
NOT ALONE
When we’re lonely, we’re not alone. Many people feel lonely. Even extroverted people who have lots of friends can still feel isolated, whereas an introvert might be searching for one close friend. Some pastoral spouses reach out to other SDA pastoral spouses and make friends. Some find friends among their local Christian communities. Some join gyms and clubs or start craft or cooking classes in their home. Others learn how to manage good friendships within their local congregation. We all find different ways to build the important connections we need.
Many characters in the Bible experienced loneliness. Elijah felt alone when he thought he was the only prophet in Israel (1 Kings 18:22). David felt lonely when he wrote Psalm 142. Jesus felt alone in the Garden of Gethsemane. The woman at the well, Zacchaeus, the woman caught in adultery, lepers, and the woman with the issue of blood all felt socially isolated.
There’s no stigma about feeling lonely. It’s a normal human experience that encourages us to seek friends and connect with others. Life is complex, and we are all stronger, happier, healthier, and safer when we can share our skills, wisdom, emotions, and resources. When we admit our sense of aloneness, we can start reaching out to other lonely people rather than waiting for others to find us.
Here are some practices to help offset loneliness.
1. Remember that God is with you. Our loving Father knows it’s not good for us to be alone. He reassures us that He’s always close beside us and will never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:8; Romans 8:38, 39). Set a timer for each hour to remind yourself that God is always present. Imagine the conversations you would like to have with Him and listen to what He would like to say to you. Or give yourself a big hug and imagine Jesus is hugging you.
2. Audit your friendships. Make a list of your friends, past and present. Which friendships filled you up and energized you and which ones drained you? Are there friendships that are worth rekindling or nourishing—even if you are many miles apart? Arrange regular online conversations. Share prayer requests, read the same devotional book and discuss your reflections, or find some other online activities to share. Or choose a charity and raise funds together.
3. Look around. Jesus noticed people on the edges of society and on the edges of crowds. Ask God to open your eyes to the people on the edges of your life who need friendship. Do they need a listening ear, a hug, an encouraging word, or a helping hand?Maybe they need to know that they matter to someone else, or maybe they’d like someone to share in their special interests or hobbies. Listen to their stories, find out what they enjoy, and do something amazingly kind for them. I found it’s often easier to make friends with others who are new to our church or community.
4. Scatter kindness. Being kind is an excellent antidote to loneliness and sadness. Whenever we plan or do acts of kindness, however small, it helps release the hormone oxytocin into
our brains. This is the lovely hormone that helps mothers bond with their babies, and it gives us a warm, peaceful, and joyful sense of being loved. Even if we’re being kind to others in anonymous ways, we can still experience the healthy sense of connection and well-being we usually get from close friendships. Check out live:kind at https://ted.adventist.org/live-kind/ and scroll down to find 14 lists of kind things to do. You’ll find free ways to be kind and ideas for things you can do without even leaving home.
5. Start a loneliness mission. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our communities is bringing lonely people together for care and companionship. Your churc
Loneliness can be a source of misery, or it can be a catalyst for creativity and kindness. Even if you don’t feel alone right now, look out for others who may be feeling alone and be a channel of God’s love into their lonely hearts. h could host vegetarian dinner evenings, run crafternoons (afternoon craft groups), or start a walking club that lonely people can join. Make friends with those who come along and bring joy and kindness to their lives.
