I SLUMPED IN MY CHAIR and gazed out the window at the wet, gray day. Who am I? I wondered.
Tears trickled down my face like raindrops down the window. I was a mother of three young children and the wife of a pastor. I was an introvert. I was an occasional writer. I used to be an occupational therapist. I was struggling with chronic fatigue
syndrome, and even the smallest task left me exhausted. I couldn’t do anything at church. Even reading and writing were too much effort. And somewhere between motherhood and now I had forgotten who I was.
“Please, Father, help me to make sense of my life. What use am I to You, to anyone, in this useless state?” The tears fell faster as I cried out my prayer.
In my imagination God bent down, picked me up like a little child, sat me on His lap, and cuddled me close to His chest. This was always a wonderful place to be. Loved, safe, and comforted, soothed by a gentle and loving Father with all the time in the universe, even for a broken person like me. My head was pressed against His chest, and I could hear His heart beating with love for me. He softly patted my back. “It’s OK to cry, Karen. I’m here, I understand, and I care.”
Slowly my sobs subsided and we sat together quietly, until God knew I was ready to listen. And then I heard His words in my heart: “Be still, my little one. You are enough. You are a human being, not a human doing. Your identity is not based on what you are doing for Me—it is based on what I am doing for you. And I love you completely and utterly. I have made every part of you just the way you are. It is enough for Me that you are alive in the world. What brings Me joy is your
loving trust in Me, when you come to Me like this, honestly and openly, with all your challenges and questions, and you trust Me with your very self and you love Me. You are beloved, and I am well pleased with you. This is your time to rest and recover, and one day you will be strong again and we will do great things together.”
I took a deep breath and rested, at peace and relaxed, on His strong and loving chest.
ON HIS LAP
That was almost three decades ago. But I have sat on His lap many times since, for all kinds of reasons, joyful and tragic, to make sense of who I am with God. It is so easy to lose perspective. I hear what my church wants from me, what my children need from me, who my husband would like me to be, what society expects me to be . . . and it can be confusing and overwhelming. So many conflicting expectations and needs and desires. But the most important thing is to understand,
first, how God sees me and how He loves me and cares for me. This helps me to gain perspective as I make sense of all the messages in my head and the pushes and pulls of the people around me.
God tells me that I am His child. Uniquely handmade by Him (Psalm 139:13, 14), beloved by Him (1 John 4:18, 19), and gifted by Him to bless others (Romans 12:3-10). Let’s explore these special qualities of our identity.
Handmade: Reflect on how God has knit you together and shaped who you are. You are unique, and you bring Him joy. Thank Him for the way He has made you, even the parts that you may not like so much, because He sees you as wonderfully created, and He is far more concerned with the beauty of your heart and soul than He is about your outward appearance.
Beloved: Read the love letter to you from God at www.fathersloveletter.com and respond with a love letter of your own to Him. Your true identity is in the relationship your Father God has with you as His precious and beloved child. You are an heir in His kingdom, a prince or princess. Even if, like me, your life events prevent you from functioning very well for a while.
Gifted: God has given you gifts, especially chosen to bring joy to you when you use them to bless and give joy to others. These gifts might be serving others, teaching, encouraging people, giving generously, leading out, discernment, evangelism, faith, wisdom, preaching, pastoring/shepherding, tongues (communication), showing mercy (kindness), etc. You can read about these in Romans 12:6-8; 1 Corinthians 12:8-10; 28-30; and Ephesians 4:11-13. When we use our gifts well, our community is strengthened and we help show others what God is like. What are your gifts? You can learn about your spiritual gifts and take a test at https://spiritualgiftstest.com/.
How have your gifts been a blessing to you and those around you? How would you like to grow these gifts God has given you by learning about them, practicing them, and using them in different ways? If you are going through a phase in your life when it’s not so easy to use your gifts because you are unwell, busy with studies, or parenting intensively, God understands. You are probably using your gifts in ways you don’t even notice! Or maybe this is an opportunity for others to use their gifts to bless you. Maybe this is your time to rest and receive for a while, and maybe you will find your strength again in the future.
Imagine you are sitting in God’s lap and held lovingly against His chest. He smiles at you and wipes away your tears. What are the questions you would be asking Him today? And what do you imagine He would say to you out of the very center of His heart and His love for you?
God does not love you any more or any less because of what you can or cannot do, or what you look like, or how others treat you. You are continually beloved by Him. You are amazing because your Father, the God of the entire universe, loves you, and you are precious to Him. This is who you are; this is your identity, and nothing and nobody can ever take that away from you because you are His child.
